Why Yasmin may have her surgery but never live on her own...

I've known this week would come. The one where I have to write about Yasmin. It's plagued me for weeks. Since we saw the Doctor, really. It's haunted the back of my thoughts. I've prayed harder, searched scripture longer, and tried to make sense of the plight of this sweet little girl. This fighter.

Let's rewind to the beginning of the summer. We were blessed and humbled to have so many people praying with us and donating financially to Yasmin. If you're new to this story check out the links here and here. When we met Yasmin she was 11 pounds and 17 months old, emaciated and severely sick suffering from a cleft pallet condition, fluid in her brain and lungs and anemia. A wonderful doctor named Wendy donated over 50 lbs of Pediasure and formula to help get Yasmin's weight up, which was the main reason she was denied the cleft pallet surgery. We met with the Dominican doctor in June, gave Yasmin's mom the Pediasure and a nutrition plan. 

Carina and Yasmin at the beginning of the summer

A month and a half flew by, and soon Dr. Wendy would be in the D.R. with her church facilitating a medical clinic in two impoverished communities. The day arrived and I drove to Alan's mom's house where I would pick up Yasmin and her mom and we would drive to the clinic to see Dr. Wendy. Shortly after I arrived, I was in tears. Yasmin was fat! And scooting across the ground! Smiling! Waving hi! Her eyes, which always seemed to be glossed over and cloudy were bright. I watched her eyes twinkle at me and at my girls. 

Yasmin's mom didn't meet me there. She's pregnant with her third child and had an opportunity to earn money at a lottery/gambling bank. In her place was her mom (Yasmin's grandma). I learned more in my drive with grandma and Yasmin that I had in all of my previous visits. Yasmin was born at 7 months old. She stayed in the hospital for two weeks. She had many problems at birth, but "she is a fighter," professed Grandma. On we drove. 

At the clinic there was a joyful introduction of Dr. Wendy meeting Yasmin! We sat down and caught up Dr. Wendy on Yasmin's progress. We all marveled at how plump her belly was getting. Soon, she would begin developing muscle mass! Muscle mass= cleft pallet surgery! Things were progressing along. And then Grandma said she wanted Dr. Wendy to take a look at Yasmin's back. It was completely lopsided. The left side was raised and puffed out, while the right side was flat. Dr. Wendy immediately diagnosed it as congenital scoliosis. It would be difficult for Yasmin to walk without a brace in a couple of years. I was frustrated that this was the first time anyone had mentioned her back, but what caught my eye and the Dr.'s eye even more is this swirly skin pattern on her back. It was like looking at a Nasa weather map of a hurricane on her back. Two colors swirled together. Dr. Wendy called her husband over immediately who is also a doctor. They confer, ask me to ask Grandma if Yasmin has ever had seizures. Seizures? What? 

The doctors tell me that this skin condition is a sure marker for a neurological condition. Anyone who's been around Yasmin understands that there is something else going on neurologically, but we focused so much on her cleft pallet, things we could treat that it was easier to overlook the bigger issues. Not anymore. 

Wendy calmly tells me, if she hasn't had any seizures, she likely will, someday. She will likely not walk, she will likely not be able to take of herself, she will need 24 hour care. She might get the cleft pallet surgery, but never live on her own.

.

.

.

.

.

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I held back tears and whispered to Wendy that I could not translate that to her grandma. So I didn't. I said what an incredible fighter of a grand-daughter she has. I told her we wouldn't stop fighting on her behalf for the cleft pallet surgery and then we would continue on. We would fight with them each step of the way, one condition at a time. 

I took them back to Alan's mom's house and picked up my girls. I held them so tightly and for an instant my girls were Yasmin and I was Carina (Yasmin's mom). There was no difference between me and my girls and Yasmin and Carina. Nothing separates us from the love and joy of our Father and nothing separates us, His people whom He created to delight in. Carina and I, are the same. Yasmin and my babies, the same. I cried most of the short ride from my mother-in-law's house to our own house. I am grateful that Yasmin has her mom and a good grandma to look out after her. There are so many kids who suffer in unimaginable ways here without any care from a parent or anyone to hold them or wipe away their tears. Yasmin has that. Her grandma also has faith and believes that God brought us to her "in such a time as this."

We are committed to Yasmin and her ongoing health care. We are hopeful that she will qualify for her surgery by the end of the year. Please join us in prayer for Yasmin and her family. Grandma was right; this girl is a fighter and we will continue to stand in the gap for this child.

Yasmin 13 months ago

But what can I say?

He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. 

I will walk humbly all my years

because of this anguish of my soul.

Lord, by such things men live;

and my spirit finds life in them too.

You restored me to health

and let me live.

Surely it was for my benefit 

that I suffered such anguish.

In your love you kept me

from the pit of destruction;

you have put all my sins 

behind your back.

For the grave cannot praise you,

death cannot sing your praise;

those who go down to the pit

cannot hope for your faithfulness.

The living, the living- they praise you,

as I am doing today;

fathers tell their children

about your faithfulness.

The Lord will save me,

and we will sing with stringed instruments

all the days of our lives

in the temple of the Lord.

Isaiah 38:15-20

South Hills Hits the Island

There aren't many things more encouraging to our work on the Island as when our home church comes to work alongside of us. As the Director of Teams for G.O., it's a continual cycle of planning and helping teams prepare their time of service in the D.R. and Haiti. I spend a lot of time working behind the scenes so that our teams have the best experience working alongside of the Nationals. I look forward to working on the field and hosting our home church, South Hills, all year long!

I came on my first mission trip with South Hills in 2004 to work with G.O. in the Dominican Republic. God began a transformation in my life on that trip that would ultimately lead to me joining staff with G.O. in 2007. South Hills has continued to be involved with G.O. over the last five years. We are incredibly thankful for, not only the financial support, but the encouragement, friendship, support, prayers, time and love they have given to us and to the Nationals.

Romans 12:2
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Just as God began transforming me in 2004 through my time in the D.R. we had the priveledge of watching God transform the hearts and minds of 25 people in eight short days. But it's not just about what is accomplished on the field. No, the eight days spent here with us is just the beginning. A major part of what we do is to focus on mutual transformation. Not only is it about serving the Nationals and empowering them in the work they are doing, but it's about being transformed from inside out making more passionate servants of the King and the Gospel in our own "backyard." Serving "the least of these," right where you live.

G.O.'s vision is to empower passionate local leaders serving inside their own cultures to redeem people, renew communities, and restore creation by developing dynamic, international, mutually transformational partnerships.

This incredible vision God has given our ministry is part of the reason why we are so passionate about working with G.O. We have a unique opportunity to not only minister with our Dominican and Haitian brothers and sisters, but our North-American ones as well. We also serve as a way to bridge the cultures through Jesus' peace, redemption, renewal and restoration.

Thank you South Hills for your passionate hearts to serve HIM and for partnering with us!

Special thanks to my fabulous mom (aka Nana) for coming to visit us and watch the girls so we could go to Colorado for a week and be with South Hills and for all the wonderfully yummy treats she made us nightly! (We love you Nana!)

Living Graciously and Generously with One Another

November 6, 2002- the day I fell to my knees and confessed Jesus to be my Savior

2003- Starting working in full-time ministry

October 26, 2007- the day I knew I was God was calling me to move to the D.R.

May 17, 2009- the day I married my husband

May 25, 2010- the day our beautiful twin girls were born

June 16-23, 2012- the week we spent in Colorado

“For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

James 1:20

June 20, 2012

Sometime around 12:30pm

I could feel it begin to rise in the pit of my stomach until it reached my throat. What was happening? I thought I had everything under control. I thought I was “okay,” but in reality, there was something happening that I had no control over whatsoever. In that moment, I realized just how overtaken I was. And it had nothing to do with Alan. It was me. Shock, horror, frustration ensued… me? It was me? Surely this was wrong… but it wasn’t. Jesus had begun to uproot this vile, poisonous,  bitter anger that had been hardening my heart and choking the life out of our marriage.  And as I sat there on the side of the mountain, with  a bucket full of rocks at my side, looking down at the one, shiny, glittery rock in my hand, the one that represented perfectionism, the first one I happened to grab, as I sat there holding it fearful of letting it go,  I felt this gentle whisper “give it to me, it no longer belongs to you.” And I let it go. One by one, I let them go, asking for forgiveness, and confessing my sin.

Anger.

Discontentment.

Jealousy.

Disappointment.

Distrust.

Justification.

Over-reacting.

Bitterness.

Over-control.

Perfectionism.

Overachieving.

Denial.

Comparing.

Lonliness.

Hardness of heart.

Half-committed.

Self-doubt.

Self-pity.

Inadequecies.

The future.

All 20 of them. One after another.

Alan and I spent a week in June at the Blessing Ranch receiving spiritual counseling and encouragement for our marriage. I went, cautiously optimistic of what the Lord could do in 5 days. How foolish and untrusting we can be. He spoke directly to me about the condition I had let my heart fall into. This was between me and God. Our hearts had been so hurt in a way that only God could heal. It had happened slowly, over the years as a result of me trying to handle things on my strength and not His. We needed his intervention to work out the many footholds we had given Satan.  I placed unreal and never-to-be-met expectations on Alan and looked for him to be my Savior. I put him in a position he was never called to fill. I gave him a responsibility he would never succeed at; to heal me and love me unconditionally.

I arrived at Blessing Ranch a broken and beat down person with a hard heart and a lot of baggage unsure of what the future would hold. But God’s promises are real and he will forgive us of our sins of unbelief. He will wash over us and make us new. He will renew our strength in Him and we will soar on wings like eagles. We will run and not grow weary. We will walk and not be faint. He has done these things for me, he did them in 5 days. 

An excerpt from my journal while we were in Colorado: 

Lord, I commit our marriage to you now. Father, may we feel the power of your transforming love, may  we experience the richness of being in community with you.  Give us eyes to see as you see. To see our humanity with sober judgement. To the feel the presence of the Great I am… We need only to be still and know that you are Lord. You are the Great One… I give you, all my anger, all my bitterness, all my envy, all of my jealousy, all my rage, all malice, all contempt, all my shame, all my worries to you. And would you remove them, as far as the East is from the West. Replace them with love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control.

Lord of Lords, King of Kings- heal us, oh King. Our hurts, our unmet expectations. Heal us.

May we be steadfast in obedience to you. May Satan not be given another foothold in our marriage.  Help us persevere in you. Trust in you. Hope in you.

When we stumble, pick us up graciously and gently. Replace our pride with humility and longsuffering. Grow in us long-suffering that produces faith in you.

James 1:4 Perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

Matthew 5:43-48 (Message translation)

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.

 "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

The theme of the week for us was to live generously and graciously with one-another. It was a beautiful week that we will never forget of seeing the Lord bring forth his promises and restoration.

Two months after our time in Colorado and God is continuing to sustain us with his strength. He has given us new eyes to see one another with. We know the best gift we can give our daughters is to love one another well, graciously and genuinely.

We don’t claim to have it all together, but we do commit to honestly living in a way that will glorify Him amidst all of our struggles. We commit to living our lives as a faithful testimony to what He is capable of. He works miracles. Every. Day.  We have experienced them in a way that completely humbles us.

Please continue to pray for us and for our marriage.  We want to be honest about our struggles. We want to rejoice when it’s time to rejoice and mourn when it’s time to mourn with those who faithfully partner with us. 

There’s a song by Hillsong that perfectly says what I feel deep in my soul and know in the depths of my heart:

Condemnation falls away. 


Never more to call on me and I am clean, yes I am clean. 


The powerful work of you in me. 


Breaks the chains of guilt and shame and I go free, yes I go free.

I take them to your cross and leave them there. 


Captured by this grace I’m free at last.

It is the great gift of Your salvation 


Working in me, working in me


It is the life giving taste of heaven 


Your kindness revealed, Your kindness revealed to me



It’s the greatest gift of all 


It’s the greatest gift of all 


It’s the greatest gift of all

Your mercy’s pouring down on me, Your mercy’s pouring down on me.


And I am clean, I am clean.


Your mercy’s pouring down on me, Your mercy’s pouring down on me


And I go free, I go free.

Beauty at The Ranch

Blessing Ranch

The view from the top of Red Nose Mountain

Free in Him,

Jackie

Prayer for Yasmin

Last month Yasmin and her mom Carina, traveled to Santo Domingo to complete the final tests before Yasmin would be scheduled for her surgery, however, a shocking verdict was given, one we feared.

 

She was denied the surgery. 

 

She is a perfect candidate, except, they don't believe she would survive the surgery. 

 

She is severely malnourished and needs to not only eat, but eat the right kind of foods that would make her healthy now and to help her heal from surgery.  

 

We held a meeting with Carina, Yasmin, Doctor Vladamir Canela, and our Staff Nurse Deloris Norman. They took measurements, talked with Carina about nutrition and then scheduled a series of tests and x-rays for Yasmin, which she is having done today.

 

Operation Smile said if Yasmin can get to a healthy weight they will perform the surgery. Will you please pray with us for this dear child? We have turned all of our focus away from the surgery (temporarily) to focus on healing Yasmin's body from malnutrition. 

 

Please join us! If you wish to give to help heal Yasmin, please send a donation to the G.O. Ministries Stateside Office:

11501 Plantside Dr. Suite 14

Louisville, KY 40299

Please put "Perez, Yasmin medical" in the memo line.

 

Much peace,

Alan and Jackie

Do They See?

I spent two days in Haiti last month. It was a bit of a last minute trip. My purpose was to go with Reid, our newest member to G.O. Ministries. Reid is shooting G.O.'s new comprehensive video and was paired up with me to get the footage he needs.

I was overwhelmed by this trip. To the naked eye, we were simply surrounded by poverty, desolation, humility, hopelessness. We interviewed one woman living in the community and when we asked what her day consisted of, she said "in the morning we search for food, but we don't find any. We fish, but many times, there are no fish." Her daughter, about 3 years old, stood near her legs. Everyday she lives the same life over and over again.

As the sun began to set and darkness fell upon this shanty camp of a "town," there squatting over a pot sitting atop a pile of rocks, sticks and fire was an old woman. She was cooking food for her family, but she had only rocks and sticks and fire. She had no stove, no fancy bakeware, no cooking utensils, just sticks and rock and fire. Every day, she lives the same life over and over again.

The final day I was there I stole a few moments to myself to walk around the town and bid goodbye to a place that has come to teach me so much. As I walked, I saw an old woman smoothing out a tarp on the dusty dirt floor, laying out carbon to sell. I have seen her many times. They cut down the trees and burn their branches and trunks, smoldering them away until it turns into charcoal. This is how she finds her income and supports her family, and she too, lives this same life each day.

Amidst all of this despair and pain is a beautiful world around them. Surrounded by mountains and cacti forests intricately growing and forming walls surrounding homes. The water from the bay laps against the rocks in beautiful shades of blues and greens. You can watch the sunrise over the water and if you walk up the hill to where the mango trees stand, you can watch the sunset over the mountain range. It is magical. In a song Dave Crowder sings, the lyrics go "heaven meets earth with an unforseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest." I have seen and experienced this many times in Phaeton and every time I wonder, do they see the magic and wonder of their savior amidst the tragedy in which they live? Do they see the beauty of heaven colliding with the plight of the daily fight to exist? Do they even count it as tragedy as I so readily do, or do they simply accept life the way it is? Do they know there is a world outside of Phaeton vastly different from their's?

We interviewed the Pastor, Lucner Jean Pierre about his partnership with a church from the states that travels to Phaeton and works alongside of their community. The church was there while we were there shooting video and I asked Lucner, what do you think this church gains from working alongside of your church and community and he answered, "There is nothing I can think of that they could gain from us, but I believe the Lord is preparing a special place in Heaven for them and for G.O. Ministries." Trying to hold back the tears and continue the interview I knew I would never be the same.

Oh Lucner and people of Phaeton, if only you knew how much we gain, how our lives will never be the same, how we could never return to the states and live as we once did, all from our time serving alongside of you and the beautiful people of Phaeton. You may not see the beauty of the land or what you could ever have to offer, but I do.

Yet.

Phaeton (pronounced F-eye-ay-tone) is a small community literally in the midst of nowhere. You drive and drive through miles of dirt road and cactus wall until you enter through the red, white, and blue posts welcoming you to the village, and as we began to enter I began to imagine it all over again.

My first trip to Haiti was in 2005. It had just become safe to travel there again after Aristide had been removed from power. How strange and different this dusty place was, I thought. Haitian men and women passed along both sides of us wheeling wheel barrows of chickens, eggs, and other goods. Men carried stacks of plastic chairs on their heads to sell in Haiti. The children, many wearing nothing, danced along the dirt roads alongside of us shouting and pointing "blan, blan," which meant "white, white." Missions was foreign to me, but the Lord spoke deeply and quietly in my heart, during my several hours there and I knew this was it.

I began a journey of much prayer and joined G.O. in 2007. My first summer I traveled to Haiti several times. Each time I crossed the bridge, over the Massacre River into the Dominican Republic, my heart longed to return to a place I thought of as home... And then, nothing. For three years I waited to return to Haiti, but never did. Until last January, during our staff trip. I had never been to Phaeton. This was brand new for me and oddly, I found myself anxious, and not wanting to go. Much in my life had changed since my last trip and I thought I would be left to deal with feelings of remorse and mourning that my life's path did not appear to be leading me to Haiti permanently anytime soon. Oh, how my sweet Savior surprised me. It was an incredible trip! Instead of mourning and sadness I was filled with joy and praise for what he was doing in this tiny fishing community on the northern coast. You can read more about that experience here.

This year, as our team waited at the border to cross into Haiti while swarms of Haitians passed by carrying their goods to sell during market day, I breathed out a sigh of relief... I was once again for 5 days, in the place my heart knew as home.

I heard the familiar calls from a little girl named "Woodsline" as she ran up and took my hand in hers.  This place is special. And G.O. is going to do mighty things here!

One of the purposes of our trip was to dig! We dug two trenches on the property where someday a ministry building will stand. It will be a church for the community, a nutrition center to feed the children, and dorms to house visiting short-term teams. Their will also be community gardens and an agricultural piece to the project.

The thing that gets me though, is that even if we didn't do all of this and we had no grand project for this place, the work of the Lord is still very active and present in this place! Without G.O.! He has chosen us to partner with Him in this great work to bring glory to His name and point others in Phaeton to the work He is doing. I read a great book (Velvet Elvis) that talked about missionaries using the term "taking Jesus to..." as if he wasn't already present there. We are not taking Jesus to Phaeton. We are pointing people to where he is already alive and present in Phaeton doing a might work through the local pastor, Lucner!

I've recently began meeting with another G.O. Staff member and we've been reading a Psalm a week. We meet, dissect it, pray about it, and discuss how it applies to our lives. It was no coincidence that during my week in Haiti we read Psalm 43.

 ¹ Vindicate me, my God,
   and plead my cause
   against an unfaithful nation.
Rescue me from those who are
   deceitful and wicked.
² You are God my stronghold.
   Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?
³ Send me your light and your faithful care,
   let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
   to the place where you dwell.
⁴ Then I will go to the altar of God,
   to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
   O God, my God.
 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.


The word that spoke to me the most is that 3 letter word in the middle of verse 5. Yet. "Put your hope in God," it says "for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."


I find myself praying for the Lord to answer my prayers so that I may praise Him. That word "yet" hit me so hard as I looked around and saw a people who suffered in so many ways in a town that lacked every basic vital necessity for survival and yet praised him.


Oh how I long to have a faith like our Haitian brothers and sisters who praise even yet!

It was an incredible trip and time of seeing Lucner pastor his community and care for the many needs of others with such love and kindness. Lucner is an incredibly humble guy who shepherds his flock with true humility and kindness for the people in the community, continually looking to meet their many needs. We partner with Lucner and 6 other pastors located in the mountains of Haiti. We are grateful for Northeast Church who partner with Lucner and Phaeton.

Lucner and his wife Marie

It was also a blessing to work with our staff in purpose and unity as we were literally "in the trenches" together and I am certainly looking forward to 2013 in Phaeton.


Enjoy some pictures taken from our trip in Phaeton by Amanda Braisted, our ministry photographer!

Our construction work project

Me, digging.

The sun setting over the remnants of the old sisal rope factory

A typical house

My friend Goody. She is pretty incredible and I am thankful and humbled to know her

This is where all the meals are cooked for the kids in the nutrition center currently feeding kids in the church

Children sat on tarps and ate their meal at the nutrition center, outdoor

Look at those eyes

 I am a shrimp! We're inside the prison at the Citadel.

Team photo (minus Jen) at the Citadel

Kids meet and have school classes in the church 

All ready for school

Many thanks to our many faithful supporters and prayer warriors! We would not be able to do this ministry without your partnership with us!

Love,
Jackie

Jesus, I am yours; a decade of knowing Him.

This month I am celebrating ten years of knowing my Savior. As I reflect on ten years, there is much for me to be thankful for- this is my story.

I grew up in Las Vegas. From what I can remember I had a great childhood. I spent many Saturdays riding bikes all day with my dad at the park. I played outside until it was dark with friends. We took family vacations to places like Disneyland. We camped, we fished, we were happy.

And then we moved.
And then my parents got a divorce.
And then I turned 12.

While my childhood was seemingly perfect, my early adolescence was anything but perfect. At twelve I lacked skills to cope with my emotions. I was so raw and hurt and couldn't understand that it had nothing to do with me or my brother. I started drinking at school in the bathrooms. I felt alive, doing things I knew I shouldn't.  We partied a lot, too and I dabbled in drugs when they were available to me.

As high school approached, I thought I could use a fresh start.  I auditioned for a performing arts high school and was accepted. Change was coming and I was excited, but on the second day of school, a girl in the bathroom offered me crystal methamphetamine, and I was helpless against her persuasions.

Unable to cope with my own emotions and feelings of rejection, I began to resonate with those that used substances to cope with their pain. We hardly showed up for school and cared more about scoring a taste than scoring a good grade on a test. When you are addicted to something, you do whatever it takes to get it. I had little money, and I quickly learned if you don't have money the easiest way to score is to date the dealer. You get free drugs that way.

I don't remember a lot of the details from my high school years and I believe the Lord protected me from remembering some things I was involved in. Every now and then I remember a memory I hadn't been able to remember before, but now I am able to move beyond them and find healing.

I moved around a lot. I ran away when I was 15 and lived with several different relatives and in and out of my mom's house.

I experimented with many different ways of coping with pain.

Drugs.
Alcohol.
Sex.
Cutting.

I barely graduated high school. Not because I wasn't smart, but because I refused to apply myself, or show up.  I was 18 and nearing rock bottom, but it would still be a couple years and a lot more pain before I would get there. I started dating a local deal dealer, and we dealt together. We lived together too. At first we just dealt marijuana but then it turned to cocaine and things much worse. After a year of dating he asked me to marry him and I said yes.

And then it hit me.

I was 19 and planning a wedding. I had convinced myself I was getting "the life," but I wasn't. We lived in fear of being raided all the time. We lived a lie to my whole family, pretending we were clean. We weren't. I couldn't take it anymore. I was almost 20 and I wanted to die. I remember thinking that if this was any indication of how my life was going to turn out, I should just kill myself, and I knew something had to change. I had to change.

I broke up with my fiancee. (He was later killed by his younger brother who also dealt drugs and who had lived with us for two years. It took me many years to heal from that). I stopped doing drugs, and I was trying to get my life in order.

I barely spoke to my brother, who was four years younger than me. I heard he was going to church and he was going to be baptized. He invited me and on a whim I decided to go. The pastor who baptized my brother asked him if he wanted anyone to get in the water with them. I knew he was going to choose me, and he did. I didn't realize it then, but it wasn't just my brother choosing me, Jesus was choosing me too. I entered into the water and stood next to my brother and felt something come over me. Peace. It was the first time since I was twelve that I could remember feeling peace.

I had gotten a job working for my mom at her health food store and the pastor who baptized my brother came in regularly to study and prepare his sermons. My mom also hired the pastor's wife, who was the Children's Ministry Director at the church. They talked to me a lot about Jesus.

One day I decided to go to church. I called my brother and asked him to take me. I remember that everyone seemed really happy. Peaceful. I wanted it.

I went to church on and off for several months. I was trying to stay clean and trying to change my life and one morning I woke up, it was November 6, 2001 and I had this overwhelming feeling to get face down on the floor. I remember thinking I was really weird. I didn't know what to say, so I just laid there at first and said-

"Jesus, I am yours."

I have been so weak at times, I don't know how I could go on. I have been in what felt like the pit of death. I have seen things kids should not. I have experienced such emotional pain it physically hurts. I have hurt myself and have caused many others a great deal of pain and I believe He allowed me to go through what I needed to experience for me to get to the place of needing him, thirsting for Him, hungering for Him. I have experienced his joy, and his peace, and his love. Parts of me that I thought were forever damaged have been healed. He has put back together all of my broken pieces but made me into something new.

What more can I say, except "Jesus, I am yours."

Ten years of worship. Of following Him, where He has led. I have known Him for a decade, though He has known me my whole life. I am looking forward to many more decades with my sweet Savior.

The first verse I memorized was 1 Peter 1:24-25. I was in a coffee shop when I found it.  


“All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever.”  

He is the Word, and He endures forever. The pain and the shame and the guilt of this world do not. The scars of my past do not. The hurts of tomorrow do not. Only He endures forever.

Today I am one blessed wife and mother and so incredibly thankful for the new life He has given me!

I am forever indebted to Him.

Jesus, I am yours.