Our Joy Story. Our beautiful love story of a life so short-lived and yet this love story that has forever changed our family forever.
For years Alan and I have prayed for God’s guidance on
growing our family. We prayed, asked
friends, family and trusted loved ones. In January, after three years of
first discussions of adding to our little tribe, we decided to go all in. We
knew in our hearts if it was God’s will it would happen and if it wasn’t- we
were completely content in what the Lord has blessed us with. We had not felt lacking in any way, but had these desires to parent again.
In March I was 6 days late, but I knew I wasn’t pregnant. In
June I was 6 days late. I knew before I ever held the stick in my hand what the
test would reveal. We found out on Father’s Day that I was indeed pregnant! Oh
we celebrated! Alan and I were shocked and then thrilled. We began making
plans. It amazed me at how quickly my
mind had already begun to dream. And once you start dreaming, you can't undream it. I starting picking out boy and girl names, making future plans for
the nursery, and lists upon lists of what we needed to do in our house to be ready. I
treasured what the Lord had chosen to do inside me. I downloaded baby apps and pregnancy
trackers on my phone- baby was due February 20! I created a secret board on
Pinterest for Baby #3. We discussed having the baby in the DR and how our
family would adjust to life as a family of 5. We were so in love with this little
life already and the joy that had sprung forth in our hearts.
A few days after finding out I was pregnant, it occurred to us
that our plans for delivery in the DR might not come to fruition or even
remaining in the DR for the pregnancy as we remembered the Zika threat to
unborn children. We consulted several doctors who all recommended coming
stateside. In the next 3 days, we would tell GO, family and the girls our big
news. We also bought plane tickets, packed bags, tied up loose ends on the
field and me and the girls flew to Las Vegas just 10 days after finding out I
was pregnant.
By far, my favorite part was telling the girls. They threw
their heads back in laughter and told me to tell the truth. Later they saw me
in a tank top and sweet Amelia remarked that I was “true” and that she could
see how big my belly was… bless her! Each morning they woke up singing love to
the baby and reading to their future sibling. They would periodically put their
hands on my baby and tell “him” how much they loved him. They fell in love too. Alan and the girls both wanted a baby boy. I remained neutral, but I knew 2 things: She was a girl and her middle name would be Joy, for she had brought our family great JOY and we were so grateful!!!
We snapped a quick announcement photo the day before we
flew. It was perfect. We didn’t have a clear plan. We didn’t know how long we
would stay in Vegas, or where the girls would go to school or if we would see
Alan before Christmas. But we went with it. Love does that to you.
Talk ensued when we arrived in Las Vegas- my whole family
had baby fever and of course they loved the idea of us being stateside for
potentially 10 months.
I scheduled my first Dr.’s appointment. July 5.
In the meantime, we took a trip to Palm Springs to help Opa with
his mom who has Alzheimer’s. I was especially tired and took lots of naps,
swam, and ate- you know eating for 2 now.
Sunday I was asked if I had any morning sickness. I didn’t.
Which was odd because I puked 20 times a day with the girls from weeks 6-19. I
knew every pregnancy is different but morning sickness is also a good sign that
your body is reacting properly to the hormones created by the pregnancy. That
evening was the first sight of blood. It continued to come Monday as we drove
back to Vegas. My amazing doctor assured me it could be nothing but shouldn’t
be taken lightly. It was no coincidence that I already had an appointment
scheduled the following day.
Monday continued with dull back aches and I knew what was
impending. In my heart I knew. That night, I crawled into bed and got under
the covers, as far away from the world as I could get. It was as if I was keeping the outside world away from me and sweet baby Joy. I
held my belly and wept. It was the last night I would ever be able to pretend
for just a moment that their was new life inside of me.
I woke up Tuesday fully knowing I wasn’t pregnant. I dressed
in black and went to my doctor. The drive was long and some of the most
sorrowful 20 minutes I will remember.
They took me back and began asking all the exciting first
appointment questions and then transitioned to the details of the possible
miscarriage. They took me back and as I stared at my dr’s face as she stared at
the monitor looking, hoping for life she couldn’t see anything but an empty
placenta measuring at only 5 weeks and 2 days. The baby and the placenta never
aged beyond 5 weeks and 2 days. Stunned. I knew what was happening I just
couldn’t believe it was happening. I needed to go get blood work and again in
72 hours so she could verify that my levels were dropping. She asked if I had any questions. I had so
many but I couldn’t formulate them. I didn’t know how to ask what would come next.
And then she asked if she could pray for me. Rebecca prayed
for Stella and Amelia in the OR when I delivered the twins, also placed her
hand on my hands and prayed for me as we discussed what would happen next in
losing life. She reminded me of God’s mysteries and that we were in the midst
of walking through that.
The girls were with me the whole time and I believe God
allowed that for me. I focused on them the rest of the day. In a way that can only be explained by the
mysteries of God, he has used this to thaw a part of me that had begun to
freeze over. My calloused heart immediately became soft as I grieved and sucked
in death’s hot air and exhaled his grace and mercy and love. I don’t know why
God chose this for our family. And I don’t know what we will do next. One foot
in front of the next. Dig deep for his mercy and strength. Focus on the
children we have. Return home to the DR before school starts. There’s a few
things we will do in the immediate weeks.
Grief will do one of two things to you- it will make you
bitter or it will make you brave. Brave to face whatever giant is in front of
us. Brave to swim deep to the dark parts of the ocean in our souls and enter
into our pain and grief. Brave to be okay with not being okay. Brave to take
the mask off; to let others see the tears spilling over in our eyes; to see the
rough dull edges of life worn down and to bulldoze the walls we have built up
over the years keeping others out of our secret pain. Brave to slow down and
evaluate what is important in life. Grief can make us brave. Grief can lead us to
something new. Out of the ashes of
sorrow, pain, and grief he makes beautiful things. He leads us to praise. That
praise leads us to joy. My doctor messaged me the same day I received the heart breaking news with a
verse:
"yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
HABAKKUK 3:17
The day I actually miscarried, I will spare you the sad
details but it happened in the Old Navy bathroom. I wished a different story a
million times. I didn’t have time to grieve. I had someone trying to get in the
public restroom I was in. I had my
children with me. I was stunned. I flushed, wiped the tears away and walked out
of the restroom. Someone commented on how cute the girls were and I smiled and
quickly gave a “thanks!” The checkout lady asked how my day was going, just
minutes after I had my miscarriage in their bathroom. We looked like we were
having a great day- the girls were in the bathing suits and we had just left
the splash pad. I said our day was going GREAT!
I began looking at everyone differently that day. How many arms had I
brushed up against that day, all smiley happy people who had real pain brewing
just under the surface? Who had just gotten a cancer diagnosis? Found out their
spouse was cheating? Lost a loved one? Had a miscarriage? Major illnesses,
sickness, loss, pain all around us. Grief also makes us brave to enter into
other’s lives and face their pain with them too. Brave to love well, to stand
up for others.
Sweet joy. Her short life changed mine forever. She also
changed Alan and my girls too. Though we may never know her this side of heaven
we hold tightly to the promise of the day when we will see her again.
In the meantime, I will be diving into the
deep end of my grief and pain with the promise of coming out made new and into
something beautiful. I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior for the
gift of Joy he gave me.
"For You have been my help,
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy."
Psalm 63:7
